Note to My Misery

I’m bored and all I think about is you. I just can’t get you off my mind. And if truth be told, I’m not really sure I want you off it. I am recalling all the times we have spent together, the conflicts, the silent treatments, the angst and all other emotions I have felt in the roller coaster of being us as one in a relationship, our one of a kind of relationship that makes many eyebrows raise.

The times we have spent together are the times I would say happiest and would always want to go back to. As far as I’m concerned, I often have fun when I’m with you. I forget about my troubles. I just want you to be there because your presence makes me feel light. It’s like you are the antidote to all my depression. That’s why you are the first person I call to when I feel like crushed to the ground and crying.

I like it when we act silly and you ride on my nonsensical ideas of fun. I like it when we just sit and talk about endless stuff. I even like it when we walk through the darkness of the evening. It is so soothing for me. It gives me tranquility. And, more than anything, I love it when you share your thoughts. Because, more often than not, you surprise me at how you view things and circumstances. I love the rarity of your ideas and the uniqueness of your perspective. When people ask me to tell them something about you that they wouldn’t know if they’re not closely associated with you, I take pride in those ideas and perspective of yours. I often call you “street-smart” when they ask me to describe you and our conversations. Street-smart because you aren’t the type who reads a lot and still you have this disposition I cannot fully comprehend – in a good way, that is. (So, I guess it’s not just you who’s doing the “sizing-up”.) It is just too bad that these times are not very often.

It’s raining outside. All I can picture is one morning when I’d be sleeping in with you till our eyes give up. It’s going to be one lazy day wherein we won’t take a bath, eat meals in the bed and go on movie marathon. I can see in my mind that on this day, we would also pick out a fight – pillow fight, that is. We’d be messy as can be. We can wrestle, too. And then, I am happy. My day is already bright. How about you? Will this be enough for you? Or will you still go out and find other fun? Because, for me, it is more than enough. I would not want to spend this kind of day in any other way.

The conflicts. I think the presence of these conflicts makes us in a relationship. True, eh? I’ll never get used to the feeling of us fighting. It clouds my judgment. It blinds me. It makes me different. I used to retaliate whenever you do something. But, I got tired of it. It’s still me who gets hurt in the end, anyway. This is where the silent treatment comes in. It’s easier to deal with you when I’m in distance. It’s easier to say yes to everything. I want to avoid arguments. I want to avoid conflicts because they just make my chest heavy. They do me no good. I’m tired of all apologies and promises not kept. I’m tired fighting. I’m tired asking for you. I’m tired being pathetic. I’m tired waiting for your best version. I’m tired patching our differences. I’m tired going the extra mile for you so we could communicate. I’m tired being the man. My pride has to rest, too. It has taken too much blows already.

Right now, my head is teeming with all the conflicts, the shortcomings and all other negativities. Though I have been silent, I am hurt. I am wounded. I am scarred. Everything has piled up and accumulated. And now, all I want is to heal.

You know I don’t want any partition. I want all of you. Or nothing at all.

You know I want you. Only if you want me, too.

You know I’d fight for you. Only, if I am not alone.

You know I’d always be there. Only, if you allow me to.

You know I’d want you to be my future. Only, if only you think about the future.

You know there’s only you in my everything. Who and what’s there besides me?

You just know, right? Knowing is not doing.