An Old Love

I checked my Friendster (FS) account earlier today. It was summer when I last logged on to it to upload my photos from our Bacolod getaway. It was also this time when I discovered and became active in Facebook (FB). Needless to say, I had neglected my FS account. What came with it were my writings – my blogs.

Today, my hands itch to write. Checking my FS account reminded me of an old love. My greatest passion. What drives me. Writing. Grabbing my thoughts and putting them into words. Coming up with phrases to describe my emotions. Picturing vivid images in my mind and finding the right words to depict them.

I miss writing. I love to write. I am reviving my love for it.

My FS account have links to two of my favorite blogs. As I read them again for umpteenth time today, I could not help smiling. It makes me remember all the things that led me to write them. It refreshes my memory. It makes me not forget. It makes me dwell back to those times that fueled me to write, whatever they may be.

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Below is originally from my FS blogs. It was written in the year 2006 when Neng was struggling with her new environment as a college freshman student. She used to call me at the dead of the night crying because she could not sleep. That was the first few months of her freshman year. Now, on her junior year, she calls with a cracked voice telling me that she thinks she failed an exam (major subject).

With my mahal na kapatid worried again over her exam, I’m re-posting it. Hope she reads it.

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mahal na kapatid

For the whole lot of my nineteen years in this world, I had never been separated this long from you, Neng. This may strike you a little weird but I miss you. I really do.

I know we had misunderstandings, but our sisterhood budges our differences away. I and you know it as a fact. And that, no matter how painful our physical fights get, we would never tell Mommy in the fear that either of us would be scolded. For that, I am missing you.

Tonight, while Pating is snoozing her way to Dreamland and there’s no one for me to bother because I cant sleep, I miss you. I miss it when I would ask you to stay up just to listen to my fancy stories. I know I failed to tell you how much I appreciate your efforts in doing so even though sometimes, it is in my intent to piss you with my nonsensical jokes.

I miss you because you know all my stories and most especially, you know me. There’s this one instance I could never forget in my entire life - when we went to eat at McDonald’s with Pating. I really find it cute and heartwarming when you suddenly wanted to get near at Brian’s table. Remember? I can still remember your angry face. It’s just that I feel so sheltered with you. It’s like you are also my ate, in more ways than one, that is. And, thank you so much for that. You had always been someone whom I can draw strength from.

Remember your story about your retreat? It pained me so much knowing that you did not receive any letter from either Mommy or Daddy when I could have done so, only that I was in the hospital. I wanted to write you, then. But, I did not know what to say. I wanted to say sorry in behalf of Mommy. You know she was with me in the hospital. That’s why, my heart could not contain how hurt I felt for you. Because, at the root of it, I was the reason.

And, I am soooo sorry, Neng. I’m sorry for my shortcomings as your ate. You know I’m not always at my best moods. I’m sorry for words said which may had brought you pain.

I know, most of the times, you think that I rob you of our parents’ affection. I don’t. They love you for being the healthiest. Hehe. Seriously, I am weak. I could never have your courage to stand up against them for your own grounds. I could never have your courage to tell them how you feel. And for that, I just don’t see you as Neng, my sister — but Neng, someone to be looked up to. I see you as someone I could never be. Do you know that? For I may often wear a goofy face but underneath it is my frailty, Neng. Only, if you know my struggles. I keep them. And, for so many years now, they’re growing. They’ve become heavier. That’s why I’m writing you. Because, I could no longer contain them.

Yeah yeah, Eds is in senti mode. Thanks to you, I suddenly have the drive to pour my thoughts into writing. Oh, what a relief.

I miss you.

Tell you what, our trip to your place has been postponed because of the heavy rains. Too bad. I was really looking forward to spending time with you. I just can’t wait to see you, Neng (and Angge).

Anyways, I’ll see if I can get you a pair of havaianas (I know you always wanted to have one). I’ll check my allowance. Hehe.

Do what you can to make Mommy and Daddy happy. They’ve been working so hard for us. The least we can do is to make them proud and happy, right? So, study hard, mahal na kapatid.

Take the best care always.

Luv u.
Eds

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Neng, you can do it! Fighting! Whatever the results of your exams, we still believe in you. Pass or fail, we love you just the same. I think Mom and Dad will say the same thing, too. Sabi nga ni kokey: never fear, we are here! I got your back. I promise.

I love you.

Kaya mo yan! :)